Journals From My Recent Thoughts

Why is growing so awkward? Is doubt in this phase of my life normal?

The following is a series dedicated to my most real-time thoughts about what’s happening in my life and other musings.

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When you have been living within a framework for most of your life and you realize you need to make serious changes in your life, almost as if you are given no option, does it feel uncomfortable? Is it supposed to feel this uncomfortable? Because right now, that’s how I feel.

You know, even for someone as intuitive as I am, even with my own gifts in prophecy, doesn’t mean I have any idea what tomorrow will bring.

They’re more like seeing potential archways for opportunities that will come into my life. I’ve learned how to hone in on these visions and messages I receive.

Yet, with all that said, doubt still creeps in. Yes. I struggle with doubt. And it seems like it’s a lot more these days.

And this is the “human” part of me I still struggle with. Maybe more so now because I am stepping into something totally new this time around. I kept getting the message loud and clear that I am not to work a traditional job, really of any kind. No more back up plans.

Going in fully with all my passions, including the things that will earn money, have been one of the most challenging experiences I have endured. But maybe it’s mostly because as I write this I am living with my parents. That feels uncomfortable.

Have you been through that too? Let me know how you felt?

It feels weird at thirty to feel like in a short time I have seen so many facets of the art world, which was an industry I worked in, and see the truth for what it is from the art side and the commercial aspects that govern trends and the market—they were total bullshit.

Not to say that art is bullshit, sometimes it’s made that way, though not intentionally. But I also handled and saw first hand my favorite works of art from Agnes Martin, Agnes Peloton, Charles Burchfield, having conversations with my favorite artists like Richard Tuttle and many others. There was a lot I also loved about the art world and learned a lot from seeing works I liked and didn’t like which have informed me how to make my own work.

Who needs a MFA when you just work within the art world? It was tough, physically on my body lifting heavy pieces of art, I had no idea that would take such a toll on me over time. I felt exhausted. I felt unappreciated. And that broke my heart.

You invest all your time hoping that in return you will get something out of it but I felt unseen and unheard in the background of large galleries and especially as a woman (a petite sized woman), people would underestimate me. I had to learn how to elevate myself more, even learning that yelling is absolutely okay whenever your boundaries are crossed. But still. I didn’t want to work so hard to be seen and heard. Or even appreciated.

Towards the end of my time in New York, I was fully exhausted. My psychic abilities almost disappeared which felt scary. I temporarily lost my clairaudience which over the years have guided me to make many of my decisions—now gone. I felt confused.

Right before I lost my abilities, one of my guides came to me during a powerful meditation, it was the most intense visual I had of my guide, who told it was time to go Home. I was confused. I didn’t know what that meant because I moved around a lot growing up. So I didn’t know where home was.

I also didn’t know it meant a physical place. I figured it could also be an internal home (this was me overthinking). My ego always felt that in order to “succeed” as an artist, I had to live in New York.

For several months at work there were many artists’s work I had to pack or put up who all, and I mean ALL, were from New Mexico, most specifically Taos.

I have been going to Taos, New Mexico for the last few years after I was instructed to do so. I never thought of myself as someone who would love the dessert atmosphere, as I thought I am more of a “tree person.”

But what I found while camping in the dessert was how enamored I was by the sky in the dessert, to see such vastness of it and the clouds forming into amorphous shapes would turn almost human like and move in their dance each sunset. And every day I would look up at the sky, the clouds to see them talking to me.

I feel especially connected to Taos. It’s something about the energy there. And for those who may not know: Taos is an art hub for many of my most beloved artists. There are too many to list. And their works of art I can deeply relate to. I don’t know if you experience this, but I also know it’s a part of my empathic abilities where I can connect to someone’s art and I know how we are connected in the web of human consciousness. And it seems like my threads are more tightly connected to the lineage of artists in Taos and the people who gravitate to this part of the land.

As soon as I realized home would mean I would have to move to Taos, all the signs stopped. I guess my guides were desperately trying to get my attention, guiding me to where I needed to go. And when I moved out of the city, I really had thought my next destination would be Taos. But long story short, I have been dealing with car issues and other things that made it nearly impossible for me to be mobile in any way. I have quite literally been stuck at my parents’ house in Indiana. But everything has its purpose and timing.

As I have been regaining my strength, my intuitive abilities at my parents’ house. This quiet and a bit of social isolation has allowed me to gather myself. And in such the strangest ways. Following intuitive knowledge of messages sometimes (most times) just DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE. I’m seriously telling you. It has required to me detangle my acquired knowledge from deep conditioning of security according to society’s expectations and trust the waves.

My guides guided me to learn how to open my akashic records and there I was given specific instructions about what I was to do about work. At the time, I felt this deep, deep, profound love while in the records and as they gave me my instructions, I was so engulfed in pure love and bliss I felt calm receiving their message. But when I closed my records and after a little while I started to feel panic. WHAT? I am supposed to start a spiritual coaching business using energy medicine and the akashic records??!!!

That felt super vulnerable. Over the years I have been quite quiet about my life and with their guidance meant that I had to be more open to myself and to the world. It’s interesting how when I had a more of a “normal” job, it felt harder, it took more energy out of me but actually the business that I have formed requires so much more effort on my part, more work, more energy; however, it also energizes me—I feel refueled. And I feel very passionate about it.

I know my life from the outside doesn’t seem like it makes any sense. Where I am living, the incubation period I have been undergoing. It has NOT looked glamorous in any sort of way PERIOD.

It has been this awkward growth before the butterfly takes it shape. Have you seen the way a butterfly looks when it comes out of it’s cocoon? All wet and shriveled, it stays on its open cocoon for several hours before the butterfly dries and unfurls its wings. For me, it’s like I have opened up my shell and I am still this wet butterfly with its crinkly wings waiting to fly. It’s not pretty, but it will be soon.

For all things to grow, we must be patient.

If you want to know more about your divine blueprint, I offer the Self-Empowered Healing Program where we deep dive into your soul’s journey via your akashic records, where I connect with your guides, and give you all the tools for you to align yourself to your purpose.

For more information visit: the akashic alchemist

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